Today is my birthday. Cue confetti cannon that is a pain in the ass to clean up!

It’s just after noon and so far, my 38th birthday has been a great one despite the existential dread I’ve been experiencing the last few days probably because of it. How am I 38? I still feel like a damn child, if I’m being honest. It feels like yesterday I was turning 18 and celebrating being old enough to buy lottery tickets. Or turning 19 and being able to drink legally. But 38? Wowza.

As we get older it’s easy for birthdays to become a day where you reflect on how much your life is lacking. Thoughts like, “I still haven’t done this,” or “I still haven’t bought that,” can feel like a dime a dozen as you get older, with each birthday feeling like a reminder of all the things you have yet to accomplish in your life by your age.

In my mid-twenties I really struggled with my birthday. I felt sad about getting older and wanted to cling onto my youth as tightly as I could. I think it’s because I still felt like a baby and wasn’t ready for all the shit being an adult would throw at me. As I progressed through my twenties and into my thirties, my feelings around my birthday shifted more to indifference. But this year feels weird. I feel excited and thankful for another year and for the love and support of my family and friends, but I can’t help but also a bit disappointed at where I currently am in life.

I don’t have kids.

And while I am for the most part at peace with my decision in that, every passing birthday acts as a reminder of the fact that I may never experience that in my lifetime. Sure, some would say I still have a few years, as people are having children much older in life now. Heck, Meghan Markle had her first child when she was 37 and second at 39. But I am still not convinced it’s for me. I thought a switch would flip in my head eventually that would make my desire to be a mother stronger than the fear I have about it, but that has yet to happen for many reasons I’ll write about in the near future.

Am I really in my dream career? Most people at my age are well already on their way to becoming or have already become managers, directors, even CEOs. And while I know the job I do is important, it still feels like I’m flailing a bit. Furthermore, Instagram was my life for six years and gave me purpose. To have somewhat moved on from that now, I feel a bit lost. What comes next? When will I know it’s the right time to make decisions? What should I do? So many questions cloud my brain lately it makes my birthday feel like a reminder that I’m getting older and the pressure to make moves is overwhelming.

Despite all of this swirling in my head and the doubt that inevitably creeps in for a bit with every passing birthday, I stop to remind myself that life has no set path.

Life truly is a journey, and instead of focusing on how uncertain it may be right now, I’m trying to focus on the excitement that awaits me.

I’ve been given an opportunity not many people get in their lives: the opportunity to start over. I could move. I could find a new career. I could even go back to school if I wanted to. That’s exciting because for years, I felt stuck. I felt like change wasn’t possible. And now, it is. I control what happens next.

Now, I’m a realist, and I obviously know money is not unlimited and eventually I will need to figure my shit out. But for this moment, as I officially reach 38, I want to take a moment to pause and be thankful for the people in my life, the opportunities that I’ve had to this point, and the ones that still await me.